They’re not against you

Is someone ignoring your emails, pushing their own agenda, or shooting down your ideas?

If you take it personally, you’re not understanding human nature

It’s not that they’re against you. It’s that they’re just for themselves.

Humans all suffer from the False Consensus Effect, the assumption that others should think and act as we do.

We expect others to share our priorities and perspectives, and when they don’t, we see opposition where there’s just self-interest.

Most people aren’t villains in your story—they’re just focused on their needs, pressures, and priorities.

Your colleague who shut down your idea in a meeting? Maybe they’re worried about their own workload.

Your boss who seems dismissive? Maybe they’re under pressure from their boss.

Instead of assuming conflict, assume self-interest.

Here’s how:

• Get Curious, Not Defensive – Instead of reacting, ask, “What’s driving their behavior?” Maybe they’re protecting a deadline or worried about risk. Understanding their motivation helps you find common ground.

• Align Your Ask with Their Interests – Frame requests in terms of what benefits them. “This approach could actually save your team time by streamlining approvals.”

• Drop the “Enemy Image” – Labeling someone as difficult or uncooperative locks you into conflict mode. Instead, shift to a problem-solving mindset.

• Use “The Perception Problem” Approach – Instead of accusing, state how things look from your side: “Let me tell you how it seems from my perspective… Does that sound accurate?”.

Next time you feel resistance, pause and ask: what’s going on for me, for them, and how can I meet them where they are to focus on mutual objectives? Me > You > Us.

They’re not against you—they’re just for themselves. Remember this, and you might just find a way forward.