When is the right time to ask?
Ask a partner to spend less while you’re arguing about money, or ask your boss for a raise when she’s under the pressure of a tight deadline -- and you’re sure to be met with resistance. Some people have a knack for timing their requests well, sensing when the other person will be most receptive. Most of us don’t come by this skill intuitively, but we can develop it.
People are most receptive when there’s connection between the two of you. The deeper the connection, the more available they are likely to be. Two ways to gauge connection (and other useful information) are check ins and reflecting back.
Before a big request, it’s common to discuss the general subject with the other person, to “take their temperature.” This is the check in, where we inquire how a person is feeling about a topic, what their general thoughts and opinions are, and if they’re open to the request.
Check ins help you:
Obtain more information: “Are you open to discussing…”
Solicit opinions: “I’m wondering what you think about…”
Set the bar: “Would you object to…” “Are you uncomfortable with…”
Get a feel for the other person’s availability: “How does this sound to you?”
Ensure completion: “What else do you think about…”
During the check in conversation, you’re not making the ask itself. You are discovering ways in which your experience, needs, and views resonate with the other person, while also becoming aware of their feelings and needs, how they’re seeing a topic, and what it would take to make them more receptive to your request.
Another technique to help understand if a person is open to a request is reflecting, sometimes referred to as mirroring, where you simply recap what you heard the other person say, or ask that they recap what you said.
This is particularly helpful if the situation is charged, because we sometimes move to solutions prematurely, before establishing trust on a subject.
Reflection can be used to:
Get clarity
Ensure accuracy
Change the pacing (slowing down to foster deeper conversation)
Integration (taking in new learning)
Show empathy
Here’s an example, adapted from Connecting Across Differences, by Jane Marantz Connor.
Girlfriend: When you spent most of last night talking with other women and didn't spend more than ten minutes with me, I was pretty upset. That’s why I chose to leave the party. And now, I'm feeling nervous because our relationship is very important to me.
Rather than asking an open question at this point, such as “you now?” or “do you understand?” she can ask her boyfriend to reflect back what he heard...
I really want to make sure I'm being clear, so can you tell me what you just heard me say?
Boyfriend: Well, you're saying that I made you leave!
The message we send isn’t always the message that’s received. The boyfriend has reflected back what he (mis)heard, which uncovered a discrepancy between what she wanted to communicate and what he heard, which will allow her to address this fundamental gap in understanding before getting to her request.
In addition to giving you more information about a person’s openness to your request, checking and reflecting can also foster shared understanding and connection. They can help increase trust and understanding, keeping dialogue open so you’ll have a better sense of when to make a request.
