Unclear language patterns

George Bernard Shaw famously said “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” We see this in our conversations each and every day. Here are four significant language patterns that prevent us from understanding each other.

Deletion is when we leave information out that we expect the listener to fill in themselves. For example: “John is the worst” or “I hate my job.” When our sets of assumptions differ, our use of deletion forces the other person to guess at the complete message or ask questions such as “The worst, compared to whom?” or “What’s so bad about your job?”

Vague pronouns such as “It’s unbelievable” or “It’s unfair” cause confusion and misinterpretation, also burdening the listener with the responsibility of seeking clarification.

Vague verbs such as “makes, “see,” “find,” think,” are nonspecific and less descriptive than concrete verbs such as “blink,” “mumble,” “snivel” or “exclaim.” “He makes me so angry” or “She just drifted away” or even “I love him” also require the listener to work harder to understand your meaning.

Abstract nouns (called nominalizations) such as “the problem,” or “our relationship,” or “your sensitivity” may give the false impression of being concrete. They don’t denote something both people can agree on. For example, our understanding of how “your guilt” operates in your life means very different things to the speaker and listener. Nominalization also turns verbs (action) into nouns (things), as in “Let’s make a decision about our designers,” which could be more clearly stated as “Let’s decide on how many designers we’ll need, and how many hours to allocate to them.”

I recently experienced how specific, clear language can reduce conflict between people. My kids and I were setting up board game, and I asked my son, “Please don’t set up the board that way, you’re creating an advantage [for one of the players].” What he heard me say was “you’re giving yourself an advantage,” which was not the message I intended. I restarted my request with very specific details: “Please don’t put three similar, high value properties next to each other.” He was happy to comply with this clear language request.

Here’s an exercise

Turn these common unclear language patterns into concrete, meaningful statements:

The boss liked your work:_________________

I want to help: ________________

I could use some guidance:________________

I’m upset about this: _____________________

He’s a great writer: __________________

It’s just so unfair:__________________

You’re doing it wrong: ______________________

She upsets everyone:_______________________

Our working relationship seems strained: ________________

There are no solutions: ________________

I just love working here:______________________

I’m kind of ticked off:_____________________