I upset a coworker. Here’s how I recovered in the moment

A colleague heads up a team that produces great webinars. During a disagreement over resources, I said, “It’s not like the webinars have driven millions of dollars in revenue.”

This set him off. He reacted with anger and defensiveness.

I knew immediately, because his posture and facial expression became rigid, and in his next sentence, he used my name: “Come on Dan…” 

This is what I call a defensive attack, and it triggered a reaction from me. I could feel heat rising in my neck.

Luckily, I had prepared and trained for moments like this and was able to pause, breathe, and observe what was happening inside me, so I could respond the way I wanted.

I admitted to myself in that moment that I was feeling embarrassed, upset at myself for speaking without thinking, and was also gearing up for conflict.

Relying on my training, I was able to observe this objectively, almost as an independent third party. 

I asked what unmet needs these emotions were bringing up and decided that I felt this way because my need to be accepted was at risk.

Knowing what was happening inside me as it happened gave me the perspective I needed.

Rather than retort with anger, an expression of contrition or embarrassment, or counter-defensiveness, I was able to admit my error, stay grounded in self-knowledge, and rebuild trust.