Where does confident communication come from?

Some time ago, a coworker and I were setting up planning groups to help merge two functional areas. Nerves were on high because people’s jobs could be eliminated.

We were explaining to a group of junior staff that we wanted them to list out all the functions of their teams. 

As I often do, I used questions to get people thinking, and said to my partner: “John, would it be helpful if the team also took this opportunity to brainstorm ways we could improve procedures by joining forces?”

“No, Dan,” he said with some frustration in his voice. “That’s not what this is for!”

When under stress, we naturally go to silence or violence, and in my younger days, I would have allowed his frustration to create frustration in me. I would probably have obsessed for an hour or more on what I did wrong, thinking it was because he didn’t like me. 

Other people may have the opposite reaction, and just label the other person an idiot or a jerk or difficult to work with. 

Both of these reactions (silence or violence) are the opposite of confidence. 

Confidence comes from knowing, in the moment, what’s happening, and being in control of yourself enough to respond in the way you want.

So what did I do when my co-worker got upset? 

I checked in with myself before reacting, to understand my own feelings and unmet needs. I realized that I was upset because my need to contribute wasn’t being met.

Knowing what was underneath my being irked made all the difference. It allowed me to simply observe his actions without applying my own made-up story on top of it. 

I also didn’t attach too much significance to what the junior staff may be thinking by not “sticking up for myself.” I was grounded enough to know my confidence doesn’t come from what others think of me. 

(I would later find out that his job was eliminated, and he had been feeling scared because his need for security wasn’t being met). 

Confident communication comes from being grounded, or firmly established, in self-knowledge, understanding a situation clearly, and the ability to choose how to react.