Don’t begin your question with “why?”

Written By Dan Kaplan

Here’s another strategy to keep the other person from getting defensive, so you can both remain in dialogue.

When you begin your question with “Why” as in “Why did you do that?” what happens?

It can make people feel like you’re questioning their autonomy.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) calls this limiting language, which disconnects people, often leading to conflict, misunderstanding, and a personal disconnection from our own feelings and needs

As an alternative, you can begin your phrase with “what” or “how” as in:

  • How did this happen?

  • What led to this?

Another alternative is to put yourself in the position of the learner:

  • Help me understand

  • Walk me through your thought process

This is the opposite of limiting language because it connects and keeps you focused on mutual objectives.

Dan Kaplan https://www.confidentcommunicator.com
Previous

Separate the person from the work
Next

Replace “need to” with “can we”