Imposed limits

Recently we discussed how speaking in absolutes and vague language can alienate other people. Let’s add to this list the language of imposed limits.

Imposed limits are phrases that suggest someone has no choice. We limit life with words such as can’t, must, have to, should, ought, necessary, or impossible.

Sometimes these statements carry a judgement, implying that you’re a bad person. When we tell someone else “you should…” they may feel judged or limited by our words or opinion.

Some people self-impose these limits on themselves, limiting their life-options with self-talk. For example, telling yourself “I can’t speak in front of a crowd” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Our words have impact, especially on ourselves.

We can challenge imposed limits on people with questions about the past or future:

“I can’t speak in front of a crowd.”

“What would happen if you did?” (encouraging the speaker to imagine the future)

or

“Why is it different from speaking to a small gathering?” (encouraging an analysis of the past).

Exercise

To develop this skill, question these statements that impose limits:

I’d like to go, but can’t. ________________________________
You shouldn’t say things like that. _____________________
I have to do what my boss says. _______________________
I can’t write well. _______________________________________