Actual, out loud empathy
If you have been following the Daily Tip this week, practicing the skills of self and silent empathy, you are probably becoming more aware of how you block connection when you don't empathize. Maybe you’re ready to use empathy as a communications tool.
If so, it’s time to practice empathy out loud...with actual people.
We’re not used to empathizing with others at work. There’s too much competition over limited resources.
Yet, expressing empathy out loud will most definitely improve your relationships.
It will give you immediate feedback on people’s reactions to you, helping you refine your delivery.
And perhaps most surprisingly, empathy can prevent you from being triggered or losing your cool in a tough or awkward conversation.
But here’s the thing. You have to actually do it to learn it.
We often engage in magical thinking that if we know something conceptually, we will be able to operationalize it.
Sure, you may have read this week’s Daily Tips and know all about listening for feelings and needs, but if in your next meeting, someones says:
“Don’t you ever give someone else a chance to talk?”
What’s your reaction going to be?
You could react like a barking dog.
Or, you could follow the empathy process: understanding feelings and needs in yourself, then in others.
Start by going inward, practicing self-empathy, maybe thinking something like:
Well, that’s distressing. My need for contribution sure isn’t being met right now.
Then do a little silent empathy wondering what's going on with the other person.
Well, I have been talking a lot...Maybe they’re also feeling frustrated because they can’t contribute...but aren’t very skilled at communicating what they need right now.
Then comes the hard part, saying something.
“I’m sensing you're feeling frustrated because you want to contribute to the conversation. Is that what’s happening?”
If you can be genuinely curious with the other person, you can make it safe for others to add their perspective into "the shared pool of meaning."
Sample language
If you struggle with this (like we all do), here are some phrases that may help the words actually come out of your mouth:
So what I hear you saying is…
Are you saying that…?
If I am understanding correctly…
You’re making total sense.
I think I understand how you feel.
You must feel so...
I can feel the [insert emotion] in your voice.
Sounds like you’re in a tough spot here.
I wish you didn’t have to go through that.
That sounds like you felt/feel…
No wonder you’re upset.
I’d feel the same way...
That must have upset/annoyed/frustrated/etc. you.
That sounds infuriating/upsetting/frustrating/scary/[insert emotion].
Well, I agree with most of what you’re saying, but let me ask...
Okay, I think I get it. What you’re feeling is…
Let me try to paraphrase/summarize what you’re saying.
Carl Rogers, the father of humanistic psychology, said, “When...someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you...it feels damn good!”
It is astonishing how confusion can turn into clarity once you’ve been heard.
Practice out-loud empathy and give this feeling to others.
