7 ways to be a bad listener
You’re at a dinner party, or in a meeting, and one guy doesn’t shut up. He’s talking to hear himself talk.
I’m sure you’ve been on the other side of this interaction as well.
Maybe you’re talking to someone, and their eyes start wandering. Or they’re fiddling with their pen. You know you’ve lost them.
We all know what it’s like to be with people who don’t really listen. Think about how you feel when you’re with them.
It’s very hard to actually listen. We’ve never really been taught this skill, and half the time, we’re separated by technology or differences.
Good listeners are attractive
People are drawn to good listeners. Good listeners have deep relationships and others seek out their help.
People who don’t listen are bores. You never feel satisfied by the interaction, because by not listening, they’re actually saying, “What you say or think doesn’t matter to me.”
Listening is a compliment because it says, “You’re important and I care about what’s happening to you.”
When you listen first, more people will listen to you in return, and it makes others like you more.
Going beyond active listening
You may have been taught or told to be an active listener — to maintain eye contact, nod your head, show the other person you’re engaging with them — but too many of us only develop this skill to the point of pretending to listen, so we can get what we want.
Trouble is, you can do all this and still be “pseudo listening.”
When talking to others, we all have an interior dialogue running in our heads, drowning out what other people are saying. If we’re thinking of how to respond, judging the other person (or ourselves), or wondering what they think of us, or pondering how to get out of the conversation, then we’re pseudo-listening.
So how do we listen with our whole selves, taking advantage of all our senses and instincts, to truly understand someone?
Listening isn’t a skill that you practice by adding things, but actually, by taking things away.
Those things are called listening blocks.
The 7 listening blocks
Simply being quiet when someone talks is not listening. An unconscious person can do that.
You’re not present when you’re off in your head somewhere, unable to receive information or connect with the other person.
Which of these listening blocks do you engage in?
Making people think you’re interested so they’ll like you,
Being hyper-alert for signs of rejection,
Listening for one specific piece of information and ignoring everything else,
Listening to find someone’s vulnerabilities or weak points,
Watching to see how someone reacts to get your desired effect,
Half listening because that’s what nice people do, or
Being preoccupied with how to end or redirect a conversation.
Some blocks will appear with certain people and not others, when we’re feeling a certain way, or when we haven’t had enough to eat, etc. Our blocks to listening change from situation to situation.
Confident Communicator Challenge
Write down these seven listening blocks on a piece of paper or index card. For the rest of the day, carry it with you, and after every conversation, put a mark next to each one you engaged in. At the end of the day, review which you engage in most, with which people, during which situations.
Do this for a few days, and you’ll know how to become a better listener.
