Use silent empathy to understand others

As we have seen in this week’s Daily Tips, removing blocks to empathy, and practicing self-empathy can make us feel lighter, more in touch with the present moment, and aware of what’s happening as it happens. Today we will extend that empathy skill towards others.

When our thoughts are a whirl, we are not able to empathize with others. This is another reason to give ourselves some empathy before reacting.

Once we are connected with our own feelings and needs, only then can we become curious about what’s going on with another person.

Silent empathy

It’s a lot easier to give someone else some empathy in your own head than verbalizing it out loud, but many times, that's enough to influence the conversation.

You can ask yourself: “What’s going on with them?” What are they feeling and needing?

The other day, my 13-year-old son, whose baseball season is about to start, didn’t want to go to the batting clinic I had signed him up for.

I was frustrated by his lack of effort and I also wanted to use this as a way to get him off his devices, if even for a little while.

The conversation didn't go well, and pretty soon he was shouting: “It’s so boooring! I don’t learn anything! You make me do such stupid things!”

So, I did a little self-empathy and realized my need to contribute to his growth wasn’t being met.

This allowed me to stay grounded and practice silent empathy:

Maybe he’s feeling nervous about his skills.

I wonder if he’s had enough to eat.

How can I make this less of a fight and more something he wants to do? Maybe I can offer to join him in the batting cages for a home run contest.

Even though at this point, I hadn’t said a word to him, I was able to listen to what he was really saying, and imagine his reason for saying it.

My energy shifted, and the situation de-escalated. 

You don’t need to mind-read

It’s not as important to be right in your guesses about what the other person is feeling and needing as it is to simply try to imagine what's going on with them. That's it. That's empathy. 

The other person will often sense your attempt to empathize, just from the shift in your body language and word choice. Your empathy will cause them to react to you differently, even if they're not aware of it.

Add silent empathy to your communications practices this week, and let me know what changes.

After a while of practicing self-empathy and silent-empathy, you may be able to switch back and forth seamlessly, in the moment.