Your most under-used power

In Fierce Conversations, Kim Scott says, “All conversations are with myself, and sometimes they involve other people.”

On the surface this is funny, but if you can understand how this operates in human beings, including yourself, profound shifts become possible.

One example is that you can not empathize with another person until you first empathize with yourself. 

Self-empathy is always possible, and appropriate

Ask yourself: Is there anything another person can say or do that can not be responded to with some combination of empathy for the other person or yourself (self-connection)?

If someone says something that you don’t like, you can always give yourself some silent empathy, by acknowledging your feelings and needs.

“I’m feeling a vague sense of discomfort. Maybe because my need for respect isn’t being met right now.”

“I am feeling very impatient right now. My need for efficiency isn’t being met.”

You may need to separate yourself from the situation, so you can think about your feelings and needs objectively:

“This guy is a real jerk. Who does he think he is? Oh, I am judging, presuming. Why? Because I want him to feel guilt or shame. I’m angry and need to step away to give myself a little compassion before I can speak to him.”

Be your own safe space

The goal of self-connection is to identify your own feelings and needs, so we are aware and can own them.

When we think, “you’re driving me crazy,” or “he makes me so mad,” we are giving up our power to dictate what’s happening inside us. We relinquish our personal power, giving it away to someone else.

On the other hand, if we can translate our judgments into feelings and needs language (“when he does that, I’m upset because I need consideration”) we are saying to ourselves that the other person's conduct is only the start of the story, and not in and of itself the reason for your experience.

You now have control over what you can control, and that takes the edge off, so you can remain grounded and respond in the way you chose, rather than as a reactionary bundle of nerves, triggered and controlled by others' words or actions.

Self-empathy allows you to signal to yourself that your internal state -- your reactions -- are not at the mercy of another’s conduct.

Practice it in meetings, on calls, during conversations with your team, boss, or clients, and anytime you realize you are not connected to yourself.

Do it for the rest of the week and let me know how it changes your relationships.