What blocks empathy?
So many things can get in our way of empathizing with other people -- time, distance, devices, judgments, prejudice, labels -- all happen when we are “unconscious.”
I don’t mean unconscious as in knocked-out or asleep, but not conscious of the dialogue in your own head.
Well...maybe they're the same thing.
I thought I was empathizing
Someone close to me is caring for an aging, ailing life-partner and was recently complaining about the stress, worry, exhaustion, burnout, and fears that seem inescapable in their situation.
“I just have no time for myself.”
“You just need to schedule the time and do it,” I said. “Even if you just go for a walk, you’ll feel better.”
“You don’t understand, I can’t!”
I thought I was empathizing, trying to help her feel better, but I was in “fix-it mode.”
At that moment, she didn’t need advice. She needed me to understand. She needed empathy.
Turn off the AC
The first step to fostering empathy actually doesn't start with developing, adding, or improving a skill, but recognizing, reducing, or removing our own thoughts and behaviors that block our ability to understand.
It's like when the air conditioner suddenly turns off and you realize you had no idea how loud it was before.
Here are common behaviors and thoughts, identified by Holley Humphrey, that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathetically with others:
Advising: I think you should… How come you didn't…?
One-upping: That's nothing. Wait until you hear what happened to me!
Educating: This could turn into a very positive experience if you just…
Consoling: It wasn't your fault you did the best you could.
Storytelling: That reminds me of the time…
Shutting Down: Cheer up, don't feel so bad.
Sympathizing: Oh, you poor thing…
Interrogating: When did this begin?
Explaining: I would have called but...
Correcting: That's not how it happened.
Just be here, now. That's it.
There's really not a lot you need to do to empathize.
Rabbi Harold Kushner describes in his book, When Good Things Happen To Bad People, how difficult it was, when his son was dying, for him to hear people’s attempts to make him feel better. More painful, however, was the realization that he had been doing the same thing for 20 years, saying the same things to others in similar situations.
Believing we have to fix situations or make others feel better prevents us from being present enough to emphasize.
Tomorrow, we will take our first step with empathy-building: giving it to ourselves.
