You can’t change others, but you can influence them

In my workshops, I often say “You can’t change others, but you can influence them, by the way you show up.”

There’s science to back this up.

In Us, by Terrence Real, the psychologist author shares that most mammals’ brains (including humans) are built for co-regulation. Interpersonal neuro-biologists call it “the relational brain.” Some even say there is no self without others.

In other words, your mind exists in a social context…

Young children look up to their caregiver after a fall to see how the caregiver reacted…in order to know how to think about the fall themselves.

Our interneural pathways form through our relationships…

The warmth and reassurance a nurtured child receives form strong inter-neural brain pathways that associate relationships with safety, trust, and emotional regulation. As an adult, this person is more likely to manage stress effectively, seek support from others, and build healthy relationships. The opposite is true as well.

The people you talk to are literally altered by your vibe...

The next time you’re in a meeting with someone who is speaking quickly and appearing tense, watch the effect it has on the room. Do others feel more stressed, reactive, and less focused? Are they acting more defensive or hesitant, sensing that something might be “off”? This is an example of co-regulation in action—the way our nervous systems sync up with those around us.

You have more impact than you know, from the way you show up.