Before you handle their reactivity, manage your own

“I don’t understand why we’re even considering this—it’s a waste of time!”

“Well, maybe if you actually listened, you’d get it.”

When emotions run high at work, it’s easy to focus on the other person’s reactivity, but everything we know about neuroscience and psychology tells us that before you can effectively deal with their response, you have to manage your own.

If you’re feeling defensive, frustrated, or blindsided, your brain is in fight-or-flight mode. And when two dysregulated people try to communicate, things escalate fast.

Instead, start by checking in with yourself.

Are you feeling the urge to push back? Shut down? Over-explain? Emotional signals are your cue to be intentional – pause, take a breath, and ground yourself before responding.

By “holding your emotions” (being present with them), you create space.

That space gives you choice, and the ability to choose just might be the most important thing you could ever possess.

You can choose curiosity over defensiveness, understanding over frustration, and influence overreaction. When you act intentionally, your self-regulation influences the response of everyone around you.

But how can I develop this superpower?

Just as a wrestler lifts weights to prepare for a match, you can work on this skill “off the mat.” Here’s an exercise to develop your capacity for self-regulation.

Take a deep breath, get centered, and ask yourself, "I wonder what my next thought is going to be?" Now wait. You may be surprised how long it takes for the next thought to come into your clear mind.

That empty mind is what your space to choose feels like. Practice this often to help you remember it and call upon it when needed.

It’s your choice.