What to say if you offend someone
Continuing this week’s exploration of how to communicate when someone is offended, and examining what not to do, let’s take a look at what we can do when we offend someone. It’s bound to happen.
Get grounded
When you offend someone and take the time to look at your own reaction to what transpired, you may be surprised to realize that you yourself feel upset. Even if your natural tendency is to go on the offensive, you’re not going to be in control of the situation if you’re not in control of yourself. All you need to do is pause and just breathe. Ask yourself what am I feeling and needing right now?
Set your intent
Is it possible in the moment to suspend your own righteousness, your own contrary perspective that “they shouldn’t be so sensitive”? With practice, yes. Don’t forget, their reaction was legitimate, for them. Your job is to get them out of their own headspace to see your point of view, and the way you express yourself will either escalate or alleviate the problem that now exists between the two of you.
When you set an intention to understand or to find mutual objectives -- before you speak -- your entire internal space and outward word choice and body language will change, opening the door for dialogue.
Start with an apology
Apologizing is not weakness. It’s not giving in to someone else’s point. When used authentically, it is a powerful tool to remain in dialogue, so you can get both your needs and the other person’s needs met.
The truth is, if someone is offended, it doesn't really matter if you didn’t intend the offense. Other people’s emotions are their responsibility, not yours. All that counts is that their psychological safety is at risk and if you want to continue working with them, it’s up to you to make them feel safe again.
Show respect
Chances are pretty good that if you inadvertently offended someone, their negative reaction was a result of the perception of disrespect. They likely thought you were putting them down or that you thought their needs were unimportant.
Pride, dignity, and self-respect are very real, legitimate human needs, so it’s helpful to walk back what you said that may have offended them, to neutralize the perceived threat. You may say something like: "Your thoughts and feelings really matter to me, and I'm sorry that what I said suggested I didn't have much regard for you, because I absolutely do."
Please don’t say “I’m sorry you’re offended.” That’s not an apology. That’s salt in a wound.
Review what you said for possible insensitivities
Let’s say you’re giving someone constructive feedback and they get bent out of shape. You hit a nerve. Just take a moment to think about what’s going on for them. What are they feeling and needing?
Maybe you unknowingly brought up some unresolved experience from their past, where they had been ridiculed or made fun of. Maybe they construed your advice as a personal attack because that’s how their parents spoke to them as a child. Maybe they have deep doubts that they’re “good enough.”
We all have our psychological defenses, our self-protection mechanisms. It ain’t easy being human. You’re no different.
Ask what offended them
You’re not going to know what the issue is unless you talk about it. You’ve hopefully made it safe for them to trust you. It’s time to get real. Maybe it was something you said, or did, or didn’t say, or didn’t do.
It’s not the time to be curt or condescending. It is time to be open and inquisitive. You might say, “I didn’t mean to offend you. Was it something I said?
Then be quiet and listen.
Ask them to educate you about their past
Being understood is a powerful human need. You can start repairing a damaged relationship simply by letting someone be understood. Show a genuine interest in their perspective, what they experienced in their past that lead to their reaction.
The more we learn about each other, the better we are at not only correcting what went wrong but at upgrading the relationship.
Tomorrow, we’ll flip the script, and discuss what to say when you’re the one who’s offended.
