3 things to avoid if you offend someone

This week, the Daily Tip is exploring strategies for communicating in situations where people have taken offense. Today, we’ll explore what not to do when someone is offended by something we say.

We have all done it, even if inadvertently. We caused someone else “psychic pain.” As we saw in yesterday’s Daily Tip, no matter what you think of someone’s sensitivity, to them, that pain is real.

You may feel justified in judging someone as too sensitive or ridiculous, but what’s more important, being right or getting them to see things in a different way?

So here are 3 reactions from Dr. Leon F. Seltzer, to try to avoid when someone is offended by something you said:

Don’t guilt them

When someone gets offended by something we say, we may be tempted to tell them to “calm down,” or “stop being so sensitive” or “you’re taking this the wrong way,” but when we tell someone else what they should be feeling or needing, we often add insult to their emotional or mental injury. The probable outcome of your doubling down is that they will just be all the more likely to see you as intentionally trying to hurt them.

Don’t protest that you meant no harm

However justified you may feel that you didn’t intend to hurt someone, the truth is that they were hurt, so any effort you make to exonerate yourself will not be seen as compassionate. According to Dr. Seltzer, “Rarely, if ever, will it provide the comfort and reassurance the other person needs.”

When you turn the focus back on yourself, you’re ignoring their perspective and the fact that what's required to regain trust may be empathy -- your understanding that someone else’s feelings are valid, to them.

Don’t ignore their negativity

Why don’t conflicts that involve someone being offended get reloved? It’s actually our own common impulse to avoid conflict or the fear that whatever you do could make it worse.

Most sensitive people are unlikely to invest energy in restoring the relationship, so if you ignore the awkwardness that has become between you, it probably will stay that way. In other words, it’s up to you to use your confident communication skills to return to dialogue.

Now that we’ve looked at what not to do when dealing with an offended person, tomorrow’s Daily Tip will discuss strategies for what we can and should do.