Use contrasting when people take offense

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Many people are quick to take offense these days.

Yes, there are times when respect is violated. We may act in hurtful ways, even unintentionally. But someone’s taking offense to something you say is a choice born out of a belief that your intention is to harm them. 

It often feels that much of this is out of your control, but there are many things you can use to minimize the chances of someone taking offense, or even misunderstanding your intent. One of my favorites is “Contrasting.”

Contrasting is a simple don’t/do statement you can use to clarify your position. 

For example, if you work with a sensitive person who has difficulty receiving feedback, you can say, “I don’t want you to think I don’t value your work, but I do want...”

This can work both after a person has taken offense, or even before you speak. 

Let’s try it, right now. Here’s a scenario: 

Jared is a strong graphic designer. You like him and his work. However, he takes even constructive criticism of his work personally, saying things like “clients are dumb” and that they “know nothing about good design.” You want him to make changes to a brochure he worked hard on.

Formulate the up-front-contrasting statement:

I don’t want___________________.

I do want_____________________.