When someone yells at you

Image By Magyar Balázs, Wikipedia

What does an Aikido Master do when attacked? 

Aikido, the modern Japanese martial art, literally means the "Way of combining forces," or "Way of unifying energy," referring to the tactic of blending with an attacker's movements for the purpose of controlling their actions with minimal effort.

One practices Aikido by understanding the rhythm and intent of the attacker to position and time a counter-technique that neutralizes them. 

We can do the same thing when attacked verbally. 

(Warning, this is an advanced skill and I don’t recommend trying this without practice and coaching). 

Once, about thirty minutes into a communications training workshop, a participant yelled at Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, shouting “you’re the most arrogant speaker we’ve ever had!”

Rosenberg had several options open to him at that moment... 

He could take the message personally, and react defensively.  

Another option would have been to return the attack and yell back at the man. 

But he was prepared and chose a third option. He chose to try to understand what might be going on behind the man’s statement. 

The interaction went something like this: 

“You’re the most arrogant speaker we’ve ever had!”

(Guessing at the man’s observation) “Are you reacting to my haven spoken for thirty minutes before giving you a chance to talk?”

“No. You just make all this sound so simple.”

(Asking for further clarification in a neutral way) “Are you reacting to my not having said how difficult it can be to change the way we communicate?”

“Yes, that’s right”

(Relaxing a little now that he understands the man’s feelings and needs) “Would you like me to admit that this process can be difficult for me?”

“Yes!”

(Having drawn out of the man his observations, feelings, needs, and request) “Yes, this process is sometimes difficult for me, and as we continue with the workshop, you’ll probably hear me describe several incidents where I struggled…”

I have simplified the conversation here for the sake of brevity, but more importantly to illustrate that when we make human connection the goal of communication, we can even thwart attacks.