Understand the needs, understand the person

This week, the Daily Tip is discussing principled negotiation. Yesterday we covered the first rule, separating the person from the problem. Today, we look at the second, understanding the other person.

As with all other communications challenges, negotiation relies on empathy, effective listening, and honest self-expression. 

Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes will often influence them to be more receptive to you, and you can start by imagining the other person’s feelings and needs, while not projecting your fears onto their intentions.

For example, you are negotiating with your boss for a promotion to become a manager but fear she has someone else in mind for the position. 

Rather than assuming this is the case, use your listening skills to elicit her thoughts, feelings, and needs.

“The way I understand it, you’re afraid a younger person in the manager position might not be as effective. You’re seeking experience for the team and need a capable, hardworking employee who can start being effective right away? Is that right?”

Feeding information back in this way helps make the other person feel understood and signals that you take their side seriously.

Share your own thoughts, feelings, and needs openly, so the other person can understand you, just as you are trying to understand them. 

“I’m frustrated by the old paradox that you need experience to get experience. I think I have all the qualifications and the right temperament. All I need is a chance to prove it.  How about a three-month trial assignment?”

See what you did there? You understood the person enough to share a possible solution in terms of mutual interests. 

We’ll look at this more deeply tomorrow. 

Adapted from Messages, The Communications Skills Book, by Dr. Matthew McKay.