The first rule of principled negotiation

This and next week, the Daily Tip is exploring communication tips for negotiating, that process we all engage in every day. Today, we will look at the first rule of principled negotiation, separating the person from the problem.

Conflict doesn’t have to mean hostility. Hostility only comes when the two sides become so entrenched in their positions that an attack on the position is seen as an attack on the person.

As with so much of our communication, how you enter dialogue influences everything that follows, including the other person. 

If your intent is to “win” or hold on for dear life to your unalterable position, the other person is more likely to dig in her heels as well. 

If your intent is to find a mutually beneficial solution from the many options open to you, your “opponent” is more likely to help you both get there.

Which approach will have more chance of meeting your objectives?

Showing up with a list of demands, saying, “You’ve got a week to shape up, or else!”

Or…

“I’d like to discuss ways we might improve...When you hear my requests, I hope you’ll see that they’re reasonable, and I’m sure you’ll want to make some suggestions of your own as well.”

The mindset of course is to view your “opponent” as a “negotiating partner” -- a decent, reasonable person with legitimate interests with whom you want to reach a fair solution. 

Your success depends not on their personality, but on your intent and skill.

Adapted from Messages, The Communications Skills Book, by Dr. Matthew McKay.