The elephant in the room

Recently, I was working with a group of executives, and one of them, the CFO, had a real bad attitude. Let’s call her Karen. 

She was smart, detail-oriented, and brought deep institutional knowledge, but her demeanor was combative and cynical. 

During our working session, she scowled with her arms folded the entire time, said negative, sometimes harsh things, and whenever she spoke, everyone else in the room, including the CEO just stopped talking until she finished. Then they carried on with their conversation as if she wasn’t there. 

It was really awkward.

And counter-productive. 

At the break, I asked the leaders if she was always like this and if anyone had ever confronted her about her communication style and behavior. 

“Not really.” They said. “We learned long ago that when confronted, even with constructive criticism, she just shuts down, or gets passive aggressive. We found that it’s easier to just let her run out of steam.”

“Does she drain the team’s energy and take away from your ability to perform at your best?”

“Yes!”

I asked their permission to address the elephant in the room, and when we re-started the session, I was ready to confront this head-on.

The next time Karen launched in, and everyone shut down, I politely said, “Excuse me, but I think it’s time we dealt with something because I don’t think we’re going to make much progress if we don’t.”

The room went silent. Everyone knew what I was talking about.

“Karen, I’m sure you mean well, but when you approach every issue with such negativity, it really brings everyone else down. Have you noticed how after you speak, everyone else in the room goes silent and stops interacting?”

“What do you mean!!??” she asked incredulously.

“Well,” I looked around. “What about the rest of the room? Am I the only one noticing this?”

And then I waited for someone to have five seconds of guts. 

I had hoped it would be the CEO, but this team did not have the leadership it needed.

Thankfully the VP of Marketing spoke up.

“Karen, it just seems like nothing is good enough for you and that you’re never happy with anything.” 

Someone else added, “It’s like everything is always someone else’s problem or fault.”

Karen was fuming but didn’t say anything. 

So I explained how all teams have similar issues, and if they can deal with it as a team, they’ll be better for it. 

“So let’s take an hour to deal with it.”

And we did an exercise that took the pressure off Karen while allowing everyone to work on their open feedback skills.

We went around the room, starting with the CEO, and each person shared two things about that person: his or her most valuable contribution to the team, and one thing they think that person should work on. 

Everyone had a chance to speak their minds about everyone else, including Karen. 

But, you know what? People told her wonderful things, honest things, such as how no one ever has to worry about how the company’s finances are handled. 

But they also told her about the impact her demeanor has on the people around her.

To her credit, she listened.

When it was over, she was even grateful, saying how she’d “much rather hear about this directly than finding out about it later.”

Sometimes, you have to tear the bandaid off.