State your experience

Yesterday’s Daily Tip discussed how to use validation to remain in dialogue when you disagree with someone. Today, we’ll discuss how to continue that conversation by stating your experience.

Because any conversation comes with (at least) as many ways to view the situation as there are people involved, understanding someone else’s perspective is just your starting point. Next comes your ability to state your perspective, opinion, feelings, or needs in a way that doesn’t invalidate the other person’s.

Rather than say things such as:

“I’m not having this discussion!”

“Just get on with it.”

“You shouldn’t feel that way.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“At least it’s not…”

“It could be worse.”

What many leaders don’t realize is that when we end a conversation by using our “power over,” someone, it has the side effect of invalidating the other person’s feelings and needs, which can create resentment or rebellion -- not helpful in creating work cultures where people can “bring their whole selves to work.”

Instead of using “power over,” you can use “power with” language that tells the other person, “your experience is true, and at the same time, so is mine.”

Here are a few phrases that can have this effect:

“I see that you feel this situation is _______. My experience tells me that this is what’s happening: _________.”

“I understand you may feel _________ because _________. My feeling is that ___________.”

“I see that __________ is true for you. But it’s also true that / in my experience, it’s true that__________.”

Crucial Conflicts refers to this as Mastering Your Story. Most of us, most of the time, assume that our “emotions and behavior are the only right and reasonable reactions under the circumstances.”

Examples adapted from Messages, The Communication Skills Book, by Matthew McKay, PhD.