Strengthen a relationship while maintaining a different opinion

Here’s a powerful tool that can be used in any situation with real or potential conflict. According to Matthew Mckay, PhD, “Most conflicts erupt because people feel attacked, misunderstood, or not acknowledged.” When our fight or flight (silence or violence) reactions are triggered, we often reflexively lash out, telling the other how they should be feeling, acting, or thinking.

A tool called “validating” can stop this cycle of overwhelming emotions, attack, and counter attack. Validating simply means communicating to someone else that you understand their experience in the moment. It does not mean that you’re agreeing with them.

Even looking at someone in the eye, nodding your head, and neutrally saying, “uh-hun,” or “ok” may be enough to disarm the other person.

Mohammed wants a raise. He has a new baby on the way and after several years with the company, feels that he deserves it. So he researches salaries, lists his accomplishments, practices his speech with his wife, and on his way to work, gets himself all worked up.

By the time he sees his boss, he’s a wreck. Fortunately, his boss is observant enough to say, “Mo, you look stressed out...is everything OK?” Her voice, body language, and tone all communicate that she genuinely cares about him and wants to know.

Mohammed is relieved. The pressure’s reduced, and instead of giving his speech, he has an authentic conversation with her about his situation and belief that he’d earned a raise. Together, they work out a plan to get him a small raise in the short term, but more importantly, to put him on a track for a promotion.

Mohammed’s boss used validation to diffuse a tense situation and open up dialogue.

Invalidation alienates

According to Karyn Hall Ph.D., “Emotional invalidation is when a person's thoughts and feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged. Invalidation is emotionally upsetting for anyone, but particularly hurtful for someone who is emotionally sensitive.”

When we invalidate someone’s feelings or needs, we’re disrupting the relationship by creating emotional distance.

It’s also possible to invalidate your own feelings and needs, creating alienation from one’s self and stunting identity-building.

The problem, of course, is that we’re not conscious of our thoughts as they’re happening. Very few people would purposefully invalidate someone else, but because even well-intentioned people may be uncomfortable with intense emotions, they often believe that they are helping when they are actually invalidating.

Validation connects

Dr. Hall also tells us that “Validation is a way of communicating that the relationship is important and solid even when you disagree on issues...Self-validation is the recognition and acceptance of your own thoughts, feelings, sensations and behaviors as understandable.”

That’s all we’re talking about: understanding.

When we recognize and accept another person's thoughts, feelings, and needs as understandable, we are able to agree with their emotions and underlying needs, while disagreeing with the strategy they’re using to address the situation.

Validation is not agreeing

Validation does not mean agreeing with someone to keep the peace. You’re not throwing your beliefs out the window, simply recognizing that someone else has a different experience than you and that for them, their experience is valid.

Nodding and saying, “I see,” when you don’t is not validation. It’s dishonesty.

Language to use

Validation opens the door for you to state your perspective or experience, in a way that will more likely keep you in dialogue.

A very powerful phrase to use is: ”I see your point. Can I tell you the way I see it, from my perspective?”

Here are other ways you can verbalize acknowledgement of another’s experience without invalidating yours:

“You seem to be sad/upset/unsettled/etc., is everything ok / is something wrong / is there something you want to discuss?”

“It sounds like you feel __________ about this situation because ___________. Is that right?”

“So, I’m hearing that you’re feeling _________ about what’s going on between us. Is that right?”

“I’m guessing that this situation is making you feel _____________. Did I get that right?”

One note: you’re not telling the other person how they feel with phrases like, “Don't’ get so upset” or “I can see you’re not happy about this, ”but rather, you’re simply stating your interpretation of what’s going on for them.

Tomorrow’s tip will discuss the next step of the conversation, stating your own experience.