Saying “no” constructively
Many of us are unwilling to say no because we don’t like the feeling it gives us.
Yet, consider the people in your life who are good at saying no. Generally, they’re seen as confident, in control, and self assured.
They set boundaries, which people thrive on.
What an odd conundrum: one of the most liberating, powerful things we can say is also one of the most difficult to say!
As with all communication choices, there’s a way to do it that can make you feel good and increase the chances of the other person receiving it well.
We can experience a range of negative feelings when saying no, including guilt, annoyance, frustration, embarrassment, etc. Negative feelings, however, shouldn’t be pushed away. They indicate an unmet need, so before saying no to someone’s request, pause and consider what unmet needs this feeling indicates for you, in that moment.
Maybe you feel guilty because your need for contribution isn’t being met, or you feel frustrated because your need for respect isn’t being met. Maybe you can meet these needs in other ways.
Consider also the positive feelings you will experience when saying no, such as relief for not over committing, or gratitude for having been asked in the first place, or confidence in your abilities. Positive feelings are indications that our needs are being met, so the next time you have to say no, you can self-soothe by asking what needs are being met already.
Now that you’re grounded, it’s time to speak.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has said that we can do three things to increase the likelihood that people will receive our "no" in a positive way:
Recognize their request as a gift. For instance you can say, "I appreciate that you trust me enough to take on this project."
Avoid using the word “no” or “I don’t want to…” and instead share your feelings and needs. For example, "I feel overwhelmed because I have too much on my plate right now. I need a break [need for rest] so I can be more effective elsewhere.”
End on a request that explores a way that might meet both your needs. For example, “Would you be OK asking John to do it?” or "Would you be OK if I did it next week?”
This process helps the other person understand what is keeping you from saying "yes," so they get a sense that their request is valued and respected.
Two questions that come up on our workshops when we teach this technique:
Q: What if you are not interested in meeting the needs of the other person?
A: Easy, you can still practice the first two steps.
Q: What if they persist?
A: Then it’s time to set a boundary.
Tomorrow, I’ll write about strategies for hearing “no” and dealing with rejection.
