Don’t take no for an answer

A “no” can sting. We tend to read rejection into someone else’s “no” or “I don’t want to.”

Yesterday’s Daily Tip was about how to say no. But what if someone says no to you? Here’s two steps to create connection, rather than division. 

Rather than react unconsciously, pause first to understand what’s going inside yourself. Get grounded. 

Maybe you’re confused because your need to contribute isn’t being met, or you’re annoyed because your need for autonomy isn’t being met. There will always be a human unmet need driving your emotions and actions. Knowing what’s driving you will help you respond with intention. 

After you pause, try to understand what’s behind their “no.” 

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg reminds us that whenever someone says "no," they are really telling us that there is something that is preventing them from saying "yes." They are trying to tell us something, but what?

Just as we had an unmet need behind our emotions, so does the other person. If you can be open to hearing their “need behind the no,” you can better navigate through the situation and decrease the chance of having a conflict. You may even find an alternative way for them to say yes. 

One thing’s for sure, if you respond with some version of “why not!” or “you suck!” your emotions put them on the defensive, and when the walls go up, it’s hard to bring them down. 

“Can you take on this project?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that now.”

[After checking in with yourself, you can guess at their feelings and needs] “Are you feeling overwhelmed with the other projects I’ve given you recently?”

“That’s not it. I’m nervous about never having done that before.”

[Realizing they need support] “I just assumed you had, and that’s on me. Would it make you feel more comfortable if we pushed the project back a week and got you some training?”  

By understanding the “need behind the no,” maybe you can get to a different version of yes, that meets both your needs.