Probing

This week, the 2 Minute Tip is discussing ways to respond to criticism, especially criticism that feels like rejection. We already covered acknowledging and clouding. Today, we’ll talk about probing or asking questions.

The technique of probing is useful when you don’t know if the criticism is manipulative, or if you think there’s more to the story. 

If you’re confused by someone’s criticism, probe for feelings and needs underneath the criticism. 

Start with one piece of the criticism that seems to be the most important to the criticizer, usually something to do with their self-interest.

It’s important not to sound defensive with phrases like, “What is it this time?” or “What’s wrong with that?!?”

A great phrase to use is: “And, what bothers you about…?”

Then, you can keep probing until you understand the actual critique about your behavior and its impact, underneath and separate from the person’s judgmental evaluations. 

“Your work is shoddy. Pull your weight.”

“Hold on. What is it about my work that bothers you?”

“We’re all working like dogs, and you waltz out of here at 5 every night.”

“What is it that bothers you about my leaving on time when others are working overtime?”

“It’s my job to see all this work gets done!”

“I understand. So, what bothers you about my leaving at 5?”

“When you leave, someone else has to finish your work! You need to stick around until your work is done.”

“I see. Thank you for explaining the situation to me.”

Now, you have a clearer understanding of your behavior and its impact, you can translate the criticizer’s emotion into a clear request that helps meet both your needs.

“I have to pick up my kids from school at 5:15. Can we discuss other ways to address this issue?”

 Tomorrow, we’ll review and discuss other ways to respond to criticism.