Mutual purpose is the super-intention

Yesterday’s Daily tip discussed the importance of setting our intent before we speak. Today, we will discuss what may be the most powerful intention we can use to remain grounded, stay in dialogue, and get our needs met when communicating.

You may not be conscious of your intent, but your intention is the source of influence over yourself and everyone around you. And most people don’t realize that this power is 100% within their control.

The ancient Hindu text, the Upanishads tells us, “As your intention is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny.”

When you enter a conversation with a positive, generous, open, receptive, or caring intent, these ideas will be reflected in your body language, word choice, tone, listening skills, and will influence the conversation. If your intent is to punish, lay guilt, be right at another's expense, inflict pain, win by making the other person lose, or any other negative attitude, this too will impact the relationship.

Deepak Chopra defines intention as “a directed impulse of consciousness that contains the seed form of that which you aim to create.”

We all have experienced conversations that become emotionally unsafe in the blink of an eye as well as times when it becomes difficult to remain grounded in difficult conversations, but fortunately, we don't need to remember ten thousand communication tips if we want to remain grounded and stay in dialogue.

We just have to do one thing: set the right intent.

So, what intention should I set?

The authors of Crucial Conversations, tell us that the two criteria for safety in a conversation are mutual objectives and mutual respect.

Refocusing your intent on mutual objectives will help create mutual respect.

Mutual objectives, mutual purpose

Think about the last time a friend or trusted co-worker gave you some difficult feedback and you did not become defensive. You took it well, with respect. Why?

Why was this person able to deliver a negative message without triggering you?

You must have believed that they cared about you and your needs. You trusted their purpose and were willing to listen to some “tough love.”

Tough conversations don’t go sideways because of the content of the conversation, but because of the context.

If the context is of mutual objectives, to work together with mutual purpose, the conditions remain safe.

So, if things turn tough, you can pause, breathe, check in with yourself and ask: what do I want for me, the other person, and the relationship?

For example, let’s say your boss is the kind of person who doesn’t keep her commitments, and you want to share your concerns without sounding critical or selfish.

You can consider your needs, yes, but also her needs as well. How does her behavior impact things she cares about? Does her behavior cause the team to miss deadlines, incur costs, or decrease productivity?

You may be able to reframe the conversation from “You make me angry when you don’t do what you say you will” to: “I have some ideas on how we can become more efficient. It’s going to be a bit of a sensitive conversation, but I think it would help if we could be honest with each other about how we’re working together.”

If your stated objective helps you both, you both will be more likely to remain in dialogue when having a tough conversation.

But let’s be honest, if our intent is to manipulate, it will quickly become apparent, and safety will be destroyed.