Mutual respect is up to you

If mutual purpose is the condition to enter a dialogue, the reason to be speaking, then mutual respect is the condition needed to continue a dialogue, to remain in the conversation.

As soon as one party perceives that the other doesn’t respect them, the conversation becomes unsafe.

It’s like air. You don’t think about it and it isn’t a problem until you don’t have it.

When disrespect enters a conversation, even if it’s perceived, the conversation is no longer about the content, but about defending dignity.

Without mutual respect, there is no dialogue

Much of the time, we have no idea that disrespect has entered the conversation. 

Let’s say you think your supervisor is overpaid and unqualified. Your opinion of him may be that he’s not able to stand up to the execs and just ends up creating more work for you.

Because you're carrying around this disrespect in your thoughts, even if it's unconscious, it will creep out in intentional and unintentional ways. 

Your boss asks you to do something that you think he should do, and you roll your eyes, or let out an inadvertent exacerbated sigh. Or maybe you talk behind his back, and he hears about it. Pretty soon, your boss is adding jabs and veiled insults to the perceived insolence. The next thing you know, your relationship is about scoring points.

Only you can prevent forest fires

Remaining in dialogue when mutual respect is at risk, starts with you and only you. You can't control others, but you can influence them. 

Most people walk around in an unconscious daze, unaware of their own feelings and needs, blaming their problems on other people, or society, or situations beyond their control, when in all reality, their frustration would disappear if they were better able to speak openly and in ways that help them get their needs met.

You, however, can influence any conversation you want. 

Keeping a sharp eye out for signs that people feel disrespected (defending their dignity) will help you know when mutual respect is at risk.

This is your cue to check in on yourself. What is your intent? Are you focused on mutual objectives, or on punishing, laying blame, guilt, or judgment? 

Pause and breathe, then ask the critical question that has the power to keep you both in dialogue: Does the other person believe I respect them?

If the answer is no, then resetting your intent to gratitude, curiosity, or mutual objectives can improve your chances of remaining in dialogue.

Over the next few Daily Tips, I will discuss techniques to use when respect is at risk, but this raises an important question: Can I remain in dialogue with someone don’t respect? We will look at that important question tomorrow.