Intention influences everything

As autonomous, self-aware individuals, with our own agency in directing our lives, we have the ability to influence ourselves and the people we interact with, in the moment. This influence starts with our intent.

Deepak Chopra has said, “Everything that happens in the universe begins with intention. When I decide to buy a birthday present, wiggle my toes, or call a friend, it all starts with intention.”

Since your intent influences everything, you should influence it.

When we are unconscious of our intent

Yet, most of us, most of the time are unconscious of our intent.

We enter conversations and allow ourselves to be taken over by emotions, to stop listening, to negate others’ feelings, or otherwise react like a bundle of reflexive nerves.

Without a clear intent, we are more likely to act from the ego, expecting our needs to be met at the expense of someone else’s needs.

Recently, my teenage son got upset and yelled at me after I asked him to clean the kitchen.

“I didn’t make this mess! It wasn’t mine. Why should I clean up after you?” he shouted.

I don’t like being yelled at, so all too often, it’s easy for me to just react without being clear about what I want from the interaction. But this time, thankfully, I was able to pause and breathe, thinking to myself that yes, I wanted my son to clean the kitchen, but also wanted to model a better way of communicating.

With this shift, I was able to say, “When you yell at me, I get frustrated. Can we talk in the volume I’m using now?”

The impact on him was incredible. He got it together and we worked it out like adults.

When we do set a clear intention before we engage, our body language, word choice, reactions to our emotions, will all be made more consciously.

When we have a negative intent

Worse than being unconscious of our intent, are the times we have a negative intent -- when we speak to punish, to lay guilt, to be right, or to force our views on someone. In these situations, others will feel our negative intent, and internalize it on some level, even if they don’t know why they’re feeling negative towards us.

That negativity, which started from our own intent, will affect all interactions and relationships, even relationships with those “above us” in an organization, as well as the relationship we have with ourselves.

Change your intent, change yourself, change others

In Nonviolent Communication, a Language of Life, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg tells the story of a young mother who left her corporate job to stay home and care for her young children. Her internal dialogue was filled with judgemental “should” statements and different versions of two “roles.”

Her internal “Career Woman” voice would tell her: “I should do something with my life. I’m wasting my education and talents.”

And not long after that, her internal “Responsible Mother” voice would tell her: “You’re a mother of two young children and can’t even handle that responsibility, so how can you handle anything else?”

Noticing the futility in this thinking, the woman changed her intent to focus on what she wanted to do, rather than what was wrong.

This shift in intent enabled her to change her narrative to see other possibilities.

The “Career Woman” was now able to say: “When I spend as much time at home with the children as I do without practicing my profession, I feel depressed and discouraged because I am needing the fulfillment I once had in my profession. Therefore, I now would like to find part-time work in my area of expertise.”

The “Responsible Mother” was now able to say: “When I imagine going to work, I feel scared because I am needing reassurance that the children will be taken care of. Therefore, I now would like to plan how to provide high-quality child care while I work, and how to find sufficient time to be with the children when I am not tired.”

What intent should I set?

In the example above, the woman’s intent was to find solutions, rather than to blame or judge. A powerful intent that will take you far in any relationship.

Perhaps a more powerful intent is gratitude, to be thankful for the other person, as they are. This will create a profound shift in all your interactions and relationships.

If you’re triggered or caught off guard without time to think, try simply going into the conversation with the intent to learn and understand.

That’s often all you need to be an effective listener, connect with others, and even remain in dialogue if things get tough.