An apology can keep you in dialogue

Ever been in a conversation like this?

Caleb: “Can we talk about what happened in yesterday’s meeting?”

Janet: “You mean when you were shooting down my ideas?”

Caleb: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Janet: “I’m sick and tired of you taking credit for everyone else's work.”

Caleb walks out in a huff.

Caleb attempted to discuss an issue that had come between him and Janet, and did a good job opening the door for a conversation rather than unloading on her.

Some help Janet was going immediately to violence, though. Caleb wasn’t much help either, going to silence by walking out and ending the dialogue.

Neither remained conscious of feelings and needs (their own, nor the other's) because the conversation was no longer safe. Both were now unconscious and reactionary, consumed by defending their egos.

Caleb started this conversation, so he could have been better prepared to step out of the reactionary pattern and make it safe with an apology. However, this technique was available to Janet as well.

What’s an apology?

An apology is a sincere statement expressing sorrow for your role in contributing to pain or difficulty in others.

Most people over-use apologies, to the point where they’ve become meaningless. An apology is appropriate when you have made a mistake that hurt someone, not when you bump into someone, or interrupt, or when something bad happened to someone that you had no role in.

After Janet reacted negatively, Caleb could have remained in dialogue with an apology.

“Janet, you’re right. I did dominate that meeting. I'm sorry. [pause].”

Caleb could then have watched to see if this show of respect restored safety for both him and Janet.

Only after safety has been restored, should Caleb give his reasons or an explanation. Doing so before Janet feels safe would not help her remain in dialogue.

Apologies take courage because to be authentic, you’ll need to give up a bit of your ego. You actually have to recognize your error and want to change. Otherwise, it’s just manipulation.

Insincere apologies just give the other person cause to doubt your commitment to meeting their needs or working towards a mutual purpose, and your conversation will most likely continue to frustrate them.

A sincere apology can restore safety, allowing you to re-enter dialogue.