Learning soft skills

Looking for fault is so ingrained in our mental patterns that we often don’t even recognize it’s our standard way of thinking. Thinking “he’s at fault,” or “I should have done better,” takes us out of the learning process. Here’s a way to make learning communications skills more effective and enjoyable.

The feelings associated with blame

According to John Lasater, “The feelings associated with blaming and punishing are anger, depression, shame, and guilt. These feelings tend to be stimulated by what we are thinking and telling ourselves.”

It’s difficult to get our needs met when we’re assessing blame or avoiding punishment.

I feel angry, depressed, ashamed, and guilty when I’m engaged in blame/punish thinking, and I’m guessing you do too.

The alternative is to celebrate wins and mourn the losses. Then move on.

Celebrate progress

If you enjoy an interaction, you are celebrating your needs getting met, so take a moment after a conversation to think about why you feel good.

What underlying human needs were fulfilled? Was it connection, or maybe authenticity, meaning, self-worth, creativity, or fun? The list of human needs is long and rich.

By celebrating and learning how your needs were met during a past experience, you can learn how your needs may be met in similar situations in the future.

Celebration is a way to connect to your humanity, to yourself. It’s the heart of gratitude -- being grateful for what others have done to make the world more to your liking.

Mourn to re-enter the learning cycle

Similarly, when a conversation doesn’t go the way you wanted, you can reflect on why, and connect with your needs that were not met.

Not long ago, in our office breakroom, I was self-absorbed when a colleague said hi to me, and I barely acknowledged her. I felt bad about it later, got down on myself, even judging myself for being rude.

But then I did some self-empathy, exploring which needs weren’t met.

I realized that I was sad because her need for consideration that wasn’t met. But, I then realized that my needs for focus and attention were being met, in that same moment.

I use this very simple example to show that by not judging myself, I was better able to move on, realize how to remedy the situation, and improve next time.

When asked how he’s always so upbeat, Tony Robbins replied that “I get down like everyone else. I just don’t stay there.”

Non Judgment

The key to remaining in the learning cycle is to not judge your performance as good or bad but to relate to it on the level of feelings and needs.

We can do this by celebrating the wins, and mourning the losses. By mourning losses, we can process them enough to learn from them and then leave them behind.

This perspective can help us step out of the game of trying to find “what’s not right” in a situation and re-enter the lifelong learning process.