5 reasons you lack confidence, and 1 rule to get it

Allison came into my office. A brilliant Ph.D. researcher, her office was next door to mine, and our walls were thin.

“Do you have a minute, Dan?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“My client. He keeps asking us for last-minute reports, and it’s driving us crazy. He doesn’t even use them all and the team is angry with me.”

“Have you talked to him?”

“That’s the thing. The guy is really uptight. When he doesn’t get his way, he just freaks out. I’ve heard him threaten to cancel our contract.”

“So you haven’t spoken to him about it?”

“Well, that’s kind of why I’m here. I was trained as a researcher. Then they made me an Account Manager. Nobody taught me to do what you do.”

This was the moment the Confident Communicator was born.

5 reasons people lack confidence

For understanding the rules of confidence, let’s turn to Dr. Russ Harris, physician, therapist, and author of several books, including the Confidence Gap, A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self Doubt.

He gives five reasons people lack confidence:

1. Excessive expectations
2. Harsh self-judgment
3. Preoccupation with fear
4. Lack of experience
5. Lack of skill

Before we move on: ask yourself what is your mind thinking about this?

Dr. Harris says that lack of confidence is not due to any fault of our own, but simply because we do not know the rules of what he calls “The Confidence Game.”

Rule #1 for gaining confidence

Dr. Harris’s first rule of confidence is:

The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.

Easy to say, difficult to do.

Especially when we tell ourselves things like: I’m too busy; I’m too stressed; I have no motivation; I don’t have what it takes; I have no discipline; or There’s no point in trying, I’ll never be good at that...and on and on and on.

The Confidence Cycle

Dr. Harris describes the only way to get good at something, whether it’s learning to walk or speak to an unreasonable client, is to do it.

It may seem obvious, but it comes down to a simple four-step process of practicing a skill, applying it, assessing the results, and modifying as needed.

It’s not rocket science. It’s just the experience of doing something. Start small, and build.

I can say from my own experience that this is valid because I wasn’t always a confident communicator myself.

In fact, I once had a panic attack as I walked in front of a board of directors to give an important presentation.

It was a low point, especially for someone who is supposed to be good at public speaking.

It took about 5 years of starting over, paying attention to the skills of public speaking, practicing in front of ever-larger groups, and monitoring my fear. I learned how to feel a panic attack coming on and what to say and do to prevent it from taking me over.

I no longer think of myself as a good/bad public speaker, but on a journey to always improve.

So what about Allison, the difficult client, and the start of The Confident Communicator?

Allison said to me, “Nobody ever taught me how to do what you do.”

So, I said, "OK, let’s role-play...

I’ll be the uptight client and you be you...

Go."

And she did.

She practiced speaking her truth, refining what to say with a few of my suggestions, until she was comfortable saying what she had to say confidently, effectively, and compassionately.

She said that no book or training had ever given her a safe place to practice a real situation like that.

She eventually spoke to the client, asked about his concerns, and together they created a mutual objective that met both their needs: In order for her to provide him what he needed, he would give advance notice. She would then tell him when it could be delivered, to the quality he expected. It wasn't such a scary conversation, once she started it. 

This was eight years ago. She’s now a Vice President.

Without confidence, we miss opportunities. We don’t say what needs to be said. We put our dreams, ambitions, and desires on hold. The way to develop it is simply to practice.