How to be vulnerable
Much has been written lately about the power of being vulnerable, but what does that really mean, and how can we do it effectively?
One definition of vulnerable is “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.”
It’s counterintuitive, but we can actually bring down other people's defensive walls, if we are the first to bring down our own defensive walls, by sharing hidden information about ourselves.
Self-disclosure is scary
There is social bias against it.
We are taught that it’s not polite to talk about yourself too much or to only share your feelings and needs with those closest to you...and never at work!
We fear others may laugh, say no, or leave if we open up.
We’re scared that if we reveal one negative trait, they’ll think we are all bad.
Reveal something positive, and we might be accused of bragging.
As we age, we tend to disclose less about ourselves.
According to Dr. Matthew McKay, “Healthy self-disclosure is a matter of balance, of learning when to tell what to whom.”
Hopefully, this post can help you step out of your comfort zone and find that balance.
It’s good for you
Even with all these fears, the rewards of self-disclosure are empowering, and include:
Increased self-knowledge - We know ourselves to the extent that we are known.
Closer relationships - Knowledge of each other is basic to intimacy. When you’re both willing to disclose things about yourself, a relationship deepens and trust grows.
Improved communication - Disclosure breeds disclosure.
Lighter guilt feelings - Guilt is a hybrid of anger at yourself and fear of retribution, and it can be relieved by a little self-disclosure because you no longer have to spend the energy to keep a transgression hidden and you can get objective feedback.
More energy - It takes energy to keep important information about yourself hidden.
Optimal levels for different situations
Dr. Matthew McKay tells us that there are four types of self-disclosure:
Open Self - Known to self, known to others.
Hidden Self - Known to self, kept from others.
Blind Self - Discoverable by others, known to others.
Unknown Self - Unknown to self, unknown to others.
These are not rigid compartments, as thoughts, feelings, and needs are constantly shifting between one area and another, as shown in this graphic:
Source: Messages, The Communications Skills Book, by Dr. Matthew McKay, et. al.
Healthy self-disclosure
Dr. Mckay says that “Generally speaking, the more information you consistently move into the Open Self, the better your communication will be. The more you keep hidden or remain blind to, the less effective your communication will be. Beware of extremes.”
Here’s an exercise to increase your comfort with self-disclosure.
Step 1: Tell people about recent experiences, your job, vacation, etc. Stick to the facts.
Step 2: When you’re comfortable sharing facts, begin sharing thoughts, feelings, and needs about a topic or situation from your past or future.
Step 3: When you’re comfortable sharing feelings and needs from your past and future, share with more people what you think, feel, and need at the moment, as it happens. Examples could include feeling attracted to someone, how their behavior is affecting you, what you need right now, or how relaxed/nervous you’re feeling around them.
Go slowly. Spend time observing yourself at each level. Take Eleanor Roosevelt’s advice and “Do one thing every day that scares you.”
Go ahead, get vulnerable.
