Is it too late to say something?

Something was bothering Susan. A smart, energetic, young professional with a bright future, she is the kind of employee a boss worries about keeping.

Months ago, a senior executive referred to her as “my research assistant.” Susan has a Ph.D. and does not see herself as anyone’s assistant. Since the incident, she had been carrying around a lingering distaste for both the executive and, by extension, the organization, which in her mind “allowed this kind of culture to perpetuate.”

“It’s too late for me to say anything,” she confided in one of our coaching sessions.

“Why?”

“Well, it happened months ago. If I say anything now, it will make me look bad, like I’m a complainer.”

“Well, you clearly haven’t forgotten the incident, and it still has power over you. How do you feel about it now?”

“I feel angry...like how could they allow for this to be OK?”

“So you’re feeling anger. Why?”

“What do you mean? He’s an insensitive jerk.”

“I mean, look past the anger to the need it signals. What do you need?”
[thinking] “I guess to be respected.”

“Is your need to be respected still affecting your working relationship with this person and the organization?”

“Yes!”

“Then you have a choice to make: say something or live with it.”

“But he’s a Vice President!”

“And you get what you tolerate.”

Susan used her training and gave the executive her objective feedback on his behavior. She was actually relieved to learn that he didn’t see her as “my assistant,” but had just been unaware of the impact of his word choice. Now, they have a much better working relationship.

Had she not said anything, she might still be carrying around that anger.