How to collect yourself in a tense conversation
In the heat of an argument, negotiation, or power imbalance, when we have the self-awareness to check in on our inner state, we can better tune into what’s happening, with us and the other person.
It’s a superpower that allows us to both communicate the way we intend and move the conversation forward collaboratively, maintaining safety for the other person as well as ourselves.
Easier said than done.
There are many techniques to build this skill over time -- journaling, self analysis, interpersonal communications training -- but our workshop students report one technique as especially effective.
And that’s simply to breathe.
The breath not only indicates our mind state, but can control it. Breathing calmly can actually increase steadiness, awareness, and focus.
Conscious breathing allows you to tune into your body, a giant antenna telling you everything you need to know about a situation.
But the key is to do this before you need it.
Here’s some techniques:
While you’re waiting for a meeting to start, take a minute to count thirty breaths.
On your way into a meeting, practice mindful walking, consciously paying attention to every movement of your body.
At the end of your preparation for a tough conversation, simply sit in silence for a while and breathe deeply.
If you’re a manager, start difficult meetings with a brief mindfulness exercise, such as a minute meditation, or asking “what is our intent here?” (Oprah does this).
According to the Harvard Business Review, “Even small amounts of meditation have been shown to reduce anxiety, increase our ability to think creatively, and help us see from other perspectives.”
These are only four of hundreds of ways to become more present when you most need it.
3 relationship groups, for practicing new skills.Trying out new strategies and techniques with the outermost group, strangers, is easy enough. They don’t know you and won’t know you’re acting weird. Go for it.
Don’t practice new techniques with the middle group, as they don’t know you well enough and could misinterpret your behavior. Wait until you’re more practiced with a new skill before using new techniques with them.
Practicing with the innermost group, friends and family, is the place you’ll improve most quickly. However, you will be more successful if you first let them know you’re trying out new communications strategies, so they aren’t weirded-out and can actually help you.
Try using these agreements before practicing with them:
Awareness Agreements can put people at ease. For example, “Just so you know, I’m working on improving my communications skills. If I sound strange, it’s just because I’m new to this.”
Practice Agreements can get people to help you a little. For example: I’m working on improving my communications skills. Will you let me know if I sound strange or make you feel uncomfortable?”
Accountability Agreements actively involve others in your learning process, and are most effective when centered around a specific skill you’re working on. For example: I’m working on improving my listening skills. Will you let me know when I’m not being a good listener?”
Which type of agreement, and who could you ask, to help you with your practice, right now?
