Get used to rejection
In Messages, the classic textbook on interpersonal communication skills (and my college textbook), Dr. Matthew McKay reminds us that it is inevitable that people will say no to our requests, but what’s not inevitable is to feel rejected.
He writes:
Even a minor rejection can take your breath away. The first thing to do is literally to take a few deep breaths and tune in to how your body is doing. Feel your feet against the floor, the chair against your buttocks, the sensations in your stomach. Concentrating on your body can turn off for a few minutes the negative internal monologue that may follow rejection. Your deep breathing and body awareness can act as a sort of thought stopper and keep you from psychologically kicking yourself.
In fact, he says, we can plan on being rejected at least three times a week, and all it means is that we’ve found someone who, for any number of hundreds of possible reasons, wasn’t receptive to our interest in that moment.
That’s all rejection is.
His advice? Practice getting rejected, and become more comfortable with it.
If you struggle with rejection, here’s an exercise that can help you build your skills to remain grounded and respond the way you want.
Find someone who you believe doesn’t like you very much, (yes, we’re going there), and before you engage them, answer three questions:
What wouldn’t they like about me?
How will they probably act?
What will I do to salvage the situation if rebuffed?
Now, approach the person and engage for the sole purpose of observing what’s going on inside you and between the two of you. Keep track of what you’re thinking, feeling, and needing.
Later, in a quiet place, reflect or journal on which of your assumptions were right or wrong. Did you enjoy yourself at all? Did you experience any sense of accomplishment?
You may just realize that as Dr. McKay says, “mind reading will almost always get you in trouble by leading you to the most negative possible interpretation of any refusal.”
