Coping with 2 levels of meaning

Yesterday’s Daily Tip discussed metamessages, the speaker’s attitudes, feelings, and needs that accompany the words to create a second layer of meaning. Because metamessages are a constant source of interpersonal conflict, let’s today take a look at how to cope with them.

According to psychologist Dr. Matthew McKay, “The basic function of metamessages is to say something covertly that you’re afraid to say directly.”

Here’s an example.

Miguel and his boss Sue are discussing possible members for a project. Sue suggests they bring Tammy onto the project. Miguel sarcastically says, “Seriously?”

Sue heard the metamessage for what it was, a put-down of Tammy, and possibly of Sue as well.

Here’s how Sue handled Miguel’s inability to communicate clearly.

Step 1: Before responding, she pauses and gets grounded in what she’s feeling and what those emotions indicate about her unmet needs.

Step 2: She repeats the message in her mind. Dissecting the metamessage from the words, including Miguel’s tone, rhythm, pitch, body language, or modifiers.

Step 3: She guesses out loud to Miguel what she thinks the meta message means, requesting clarity in a non-confrontational way.

Seriously?

Sue pauses, then thinks: Wow, I am feeling annoyed with Miguel right now. Why? I like Tammy and want him to consider my point of view. OK. I’m not going to react. I’m going to communicate the way I chose to.

Yes, she’s a great designer.

I suppose.

I get the feeling that you don’t like her very much.

She’s alright...I guess.

Sue continues to check in with herself, wondering what Miguel meant by the “I guess” modifier.

Miguel, you put a lot of emphasis on that “I guess.” I’m getting the sense that you have a problem with Tammy.

I don’t know. She just irritates me.

Now, the conversation is getting to what matters, and Sue, as a leader, can address what’s really on Miguel’s mind, which he was afraid to say initially.