2 Levels Of Meaning

Many statements have two levels of meaning. First there’s the basic information being conveyed by the words, but in addition, there is the “metamessage,” the speaker’s attitudes, feelings, and needs. In today’s Daily Tip, I’ll give you an exercise to recognize metamessages, and tomorrow, I’ll discuss how to cope with them.

Metamessages are expressed by tone, rhythm, pitch, body language, and other modifiers, often unconsciously (which by the way is an important reason to learn to read body language).

Consider the message, “you’re late.”

If it’s said in a flat tone, it may not indicate the speaker is upset.

If said with a drawn out “youuurr’ee” and a punctuated “LATE!” it may communicate blame or hostility.

If it’s said with inflection (rising voice) at the end, it may indicate a question as to why.

It’s hard to defend against what is expressed in negative metamessages because it’s often so subtle that you may not even be aware you’re being attacked, or how it irritates you.

When you try something new and a senior executive says, “...well it is your first time doing this,” the metamessage may be interpreted as “you did a lousy job. I guess that’s the most I can expect from you.”

Then you’re irritated with this person, or with yourself, and the relationship goes downhill from there.

But, you don’t know what the executive meant by this. You just guessed.

So, how can we recognize metamessages?

First, observe how they’re constructed by listening for rhythm and pitch.

It happens when people add hidden barbs to compliments: “Aren’t you sweeeet.”

It can also function as a warning. “In my opinion,” said without emphasis on any word may indicate it’s OK to share yours, but that same phrase with an emphasis on “in MY opinion,” may say: don’t contradict me!

Second, listen for verbal modifiers, extra words that add nuance or meaning, like certainly, still, again, merely, supposedly, just, etc.

“Are you sure?” may mean “You’re up to no good.”

“I’m sure you tried your best,” may mean “I’m not so sure you tried very hard at all.”

“Now what do you want?” may mean “If you ask for much more, you’re going to try my patience.”

Here’s an exercise of how to become more aware of your own use of metamessages, which will help you identify them in others.

Carry around a notebook or piece of paper today. Every time you use a metamessage write down a word or phrase that will remind you of what it was. At the end of the day, review your list and journal about your use of metamessages.

Since meta messages are a constant source of interpersonal conflict, tomorrow’s Daily Tip will discuss how to cope with them.