Being assertive isn’t this

Being assertive doesn’t mean sounding like a jerk.

It also doesn’t mean making the other person sound like a jerk.

A normally very nice woman I know had a terrible boss who caused mistakes and wouldn’t admit when he was wrong.

The boss was a bully, but the woman gave him the benefit of the doubt, defending him to others, until one day he lied about something that made her look bad.

She exploded on him, shouting in front of the entire team something: “You’re a terrible leader. You drive everyone around you crazy! There, I said it. Someone had to have the guts to.”

This is not being assertive. It’s also not effective. Even if justified, it’s not going to help the woman get her needs met.

Assertiveness means simply stating the facts, what happened or what was done, without judgment.

In an assertive statement, all feelings -- positive or negative -- belong to the speaker.

“I feel like you’re being self-centered by being late for dinner” is an accusing statement.

Besides that, it’s not a feeling. It’s a thought.

It’s also not an assertive statement.

It’s not even a true I-statement.

It’s a “you-statement,” and it will have the same impact as saying, “You made me feel really angry when you were late for dinner.”

It’s an accusation that will put the other person on the defensive.

Here’s an assertive I-statement: “I felt angry when you were late for dinner. I thought that you didn’t care enough about me to be on time.”

This statement is clear about what you think and feel. It doesn’t hide, hedge, or hint.

What could the woman in the above story have said?

Tomorrow’s Daily Tip will be about how to be more assertive.