8 rules of fair fighting
Conflict is inevitable, so why not view disagreements as a potentially beneficial process for mutual problem-solving? As opposed to unfair fighting, sticking to the rules of fair fighting can keep you in dialogue until you reach a mutual objective.
What is a fair fight?
According to Dr. Matthew McKay, fair fighting involves the understanding that:
Conflict is inevitable - People want different things, and that’s ok.
Each person’s needs are equally valid - Just because you want different things, doesn’t mean that either person’s needs are more significant than the others.
Both can win - With mutual objectives, you can get a good measure of what you want without depriving or taking advantage of the other person.
Fair fighting rules
There are rules to even the most brutal of sports. An MMA fighter is able to step into the octagon knowing he won’t be hit below the belt, or pummeled if she’s KO’d.
If our objective is to reach a resolution that meets our needs, we’ll need to stay in dialogue, and employing basic fair fighting rules will help prevent both you and the other person from going into silence or violence.
Set a time - If you’re going to have a serious talk, know that both parties are ready before launching a discussion. No one likes to be blind-sided, so if the other person doesn’t want to get into it right now, find a time in the very near future.
State the problem - Clearly state what the other person does that you don’t like, sticking to observable facts, not interpretations, labels, absolutes, or blaming. Rather than say, “You chickened out,” you can say, “You told me you would apply to the program this month. The deadline passed and you haven’t applied.”
Stick to one issue - You can only solve one problem at a time. When you change the subject or dredge up other issues, you lose focus on solving the issue at hand.
Express the full range of feelings - Use I-messages to express how you feel about the other person’s behavior. Remember to take full ownership of your emotions with statements like “I feel mad,” rather than “you make me mad.”
Express your unmet needs - Emotions are dashboards to unmet human needs (which drive all human behavior), and expressing them is the first step to getting them met. Here’s a formula: “When you do ______, I feel ______ because I need ________.”
Propose change - Make a clear request about what you would like the other person to do. What change in behavior would make the world more to your liking? Disagreements that don’t end in clear requests are destined to repeat.
Describe consequences - What are the mutual, practical, emotional, financial, or other benefits of the change you’re proposing? The other person is more likely to comply if they understand how your request will fill your needs, and theirs as well.
Prevent escalation - Watching for signs that safety is at risk (in yourself and the other person) can help you (or them) step out, regain composure by refocusing on your intent, and return to find a resolution.
These are all things in your control to help keep both you and the other person from going into silence or violence, effectively ending dialogue.
But what if the other person is breaking the fair fighting rules?
We’ll discuss this in tomorrow’s Daily Tip.
Adapted from Messages: The Communications Skills Book, by Matthew McKay PhD, et. al
