What to do when the other person isn’t fighting fair
Yesterday’s Daily Tip examined the rules of fighting fairly, to help us remain in dialogue until we can find a mutual objective that meets both your needs and the needs of the person you’re arguing, disagreeing, or fighting with. Today, we’ll answer the question, what to do when the other person breaks those rules.
What if they won’t set a time?
If the other person keeps avoiding, you can say, “Look this is important to me/us, and I can’t see it going away until I talk to you about it. How about at 3 tomorrow?”
If they’re the one springing the argument on you before you’re ready, you can say, “I understand this is important for us to resolve, but now is not the right time for me. How about at 3 this afternoon?”
Note in both cases, you’re acknowledging their needs in a positive way and giving an exact time, rather than saying “Can’t we talk about this later?”
What if they don’t agree with your description of the problem?
You can say, “That’s how I see it. How do you see it?”
If they blame, attack, defend, etc, redirect the conversation back to observable facts. “I want to talk about the fact that you said you would apply and the deadline has passed without you submitting your application. What’s going on?”
What if they don’t stick to one issue?
Refocus on the narrow issue in front of you: “Look, it doesn’t matter for this conversation how I vote or who is at fault for us being late. The issue right now is when can we find a time to vote today. Can we stick to that?”
What if they’re uncomfortable with you expressing your feelings?
Make sure you’re not dumping your feelings on them. Dumping is when you raise your voice, blame, or make threats. Expressing emotions is describing what you’re feeling without a lot of emotional heat or attacking language.
“When I heard you were planning a weekend away without me, I felt angry at being left out, and maybe a little jealous and insecure.”
What if they escalate?
If you’ve done your job of watching for signs that safety is at risk and stepping out if you get too heated, but the other person continues to raise their voice, threaten, attack, blame, or their body language or tone signals that they’re going to silence or violence, you can take a time out, and when you return, set some fair fighting rules.
“The next time we start arguing, and I see you pacing around getting worked up, I’m not going to keep pushing you. Instead, I’m going to hold up the Time Out hand signal (hands in a “T”), say nothing and go for a walk. I’ll be back in an hour to continue. Does that sound OK to you?”
Time outs should last at least an hour and you should avoid being in the others presence for that entire time. Always return when the time is up. Use that time to rehearse what you have to say.
When you return, before launching back in, check in. Is it still a good time for both of you? Are you both in the right headspace to continue? If someone is still too upset to continue, set a time in the near future to continue.
And remember that many successful fights end without a resolution, or even a counterproposal, but simply an agreement to promise to fight fairly again at a specified time in the future.
