7 tactics of unfair fighting
As confident communicators, we know that the purpose of communication is to connect with ourselves and others. Tough to do when we’re in a fight. And because nothing will end dialogue faster than unfair fighting, today's Daily Tip explores the question: how can we fight fair?
Dangerous assumptions
According to Dr. Matthew McKay, unfair fighting is the loud, bitter, harmful, unproductive, and sometimes violent kind of fighting -- the result of some combination of three dangerous assumptions:
1. Conflict is bad
2. One person’s needs are more important than another’s
3. Only one can win
Before we move on: ask yourself what is your mind thinking about this?
7 tactics of unfair fighting
When we start from the above assumptions, even unconsciously, we engage in unfair fighting tactics, such as:
Bad timing is when one person forces their agenda on the other before that person is ready. E.g.: You’re on your way out the door for work, and your S.O. insists you make a decision about tonight’s plans.
Blaming comes from the dangerous assumption that “I’m right and you’re wrong,” which causes you to blame the other person for the problem, name-calling, accusing, exaggerating, bridging up the past, etc. E.g.: “What do you mean you ‘forgot’ to mail in the application? Even you’re not THAT disorganized!”
Too many issues is when you drag up issue after issue to support how good you are and how bad the other person is. E.g.: You’re fighting about what time to leave for dinner, and by some weird twist of logic, you end up attacking your partner’s family’s politics and reluctance to walk the dog.
Covering other feelings with anger is when anger is the only emotion expressed, to the point where it drowns out fear, sadness, guilt, envy, disappointment, etc. E.g.: Claudia tells Carl she’s going to the city for a weekend with her girlfriends. He’s jealous, hurt, and envious, but he communicates this with an angry outburst about her selfishness and irresponsibility.
Impossible demands are vague, abstract demands like “be more considerate” or “stop being so picky!” They’re impossible to fulfill because we’re asking the other person to read our minds and determine if what they’re about to do is sufficient to meet our needs.
Threats and ultimatums often backup impossible demands or are sometimes empty threats. E.g.: “If you don’t put that phone away at the table, I’m going to throw it out the window!” “If you don’t make this change to the contract, I’ll withdraw my support.” “If you don’t behave, I’m going to have to punish you.”
Escalation is when a quiet disagreement becomes a loud argument. E.g.: Aditi forgot to meet Hakeem for lunch, again. He lectures her to “get her act together,” she gets defensive, and before you know it, he’s raised his voice and is pacing around.
Unhappy endings
All of these unfair fighting tactics lead to unhappy endings -- violence, withdrawal, tears, and apologies. In fact, unfair fights don’t really end at all. They’re just temporary cease-fires until the next round.
Hakeem, for example, came around that evening with flowers and an apology, resolving to “be more patient” and “control his temper.” Until next time.
We can choose the tactics to use during fights. Tomorrow’s Daily Tip will explore the rules of Fair Fighting, which can keep us in open dialogue long enough to reach a mutual agreement.
Adapted from Messages: The Communications Skills Book, by Matthew McKay PhD, et. al.
