6 rules of effective expression
Here are six powerful characteristics of effective expression.
1) Be Direct
Being direct starts with knowing when something needs to be said, and not assuming others know what you think, feel, want, or need.
Being indirect is emotionally costly.
For example:
The husband who says: “My wife knows I love her. I don’t have to say it. It’s obvious.”
Or, the teenager who retreats to her room and complains of headaches when her divorced mother brings home a date.
Or, the boss corrects an employee's typos in red pen, hoping the employee will pick up on the hint.
These people have something important to say but are assuming the other person knows what they think, how they feel, or what they need.
2) Be immediate
If you need something to change, delaying communication will most likely exacerbate your feelings and may come out later in passive-aggressive ways, such as:
A sister is hurt about not being invited to Thanksgiving, and later breaks a date and “forgets” to send a Christmas card.
Sometimes a small unexpressed feeling stockpiles to the point where a small transgression triggers a major emotional dumping episode.
Have you ever had a co-worker who seemed nice and collegial, then shuts down at a slight criticism of his work?
Immediate feedback increases the likelihood that people will adjust their behavior because you’re better able to establish a direct line between what they did and what you feel or need.
Immediate feedback also increases intimacy, as opposed to waiting weeks for the issue to become stale.
As Dr. Matthew McKay says, “Here and now communications are more exciting and serve to intensify your relationships.”
3) Be clear
Clear messages don’t leave things out. They’re not vague or abstract. They are immediately understandable, even if they’re difficult.
A woman who was uncomfortable with public displays of affection told her boyfriend that her stress at work was “suppressing her sexuality.” He interpreted her condition as temporary because she never expressed her true feelings and needs.
Clear messages require:
You are first aware of your own feelings and needs,
Not asking questions when a statement is required,
Aligning body language and tone to be congruent with the contents of the message,
Avoiding double messages, such as: “I want you to come, but I don’t think it will be much fun for you,”
Not confusing observations with judgements,
Focusing on one thing at a time, and
Being clear about your feelings and needs.
4) Say it straight
A straight message is when the stated purpose is identical to the real purpose. Hidden agendas destroy relationships.
5) Be supportive
And finally, for a message to have the best chance of being heard and received, it should be supportive, so the other person doesn’t get defensive or upset.
Often, our intent is to hurt, lay guilt, or aggrandize ourselves. This causes us to dig up the past, or use labels, sarcasm, negative comparisons, judgments, you-messages, and even threats to get our point across.
6) Start with intent
Before you speak, ask yourself: do I want my message to be received defensively or accurately?
Get in the sharing mindset, rather than win/lose or right/wrong thinking, and your words, body language, and tone will more likely be direct, immediate, clear, straight, and supportive.
Adapted from Messages, The Communications Skills Book, by Dr. Matthew McKay.
