An I-message backfired?

Common advice for communicating when things get tense is to use “I-messages,” but some I-messages are accusations in disguise.

“I’m feeling frustrated right now because there are mistakes in this report,” is an effective I-message.

But, just starting a sentence with I and explaining what you’re feeling, does not make an I-message.

I-Messages don’t use the word “you”

Anytime a message contains “you,” it’s not an I-message, such as:

“I’m frustrated that you didn’t do the report correctly.”

No judgment zone!

Sometimes I-messages are judgments or accusations masquerading as I-messages, such as:

“I feel that you’re being self-centered.”

No one else has responsibility for your feelings. They may be the stimulus, but after that, you own them. Your feelings come from your thinking, your interpretation, of the situation.

I-Message manipulators

Finally, some people use I-messages to manipulate others, as in:

“I feel worthless when we are not together,”

or,

“I feel angry when the team excludes me.”

These I-messages are intended to manipulate the other person into behaving in the manner the user wants.

It starts with your intent

For an I-message to be effective, it should focus on the speaker’s feelings and unmet needs, without judgment.

Here’s how.

Before you speak, make your intent to connect, rather than punish, blame, lay a guilt trip, or manipulate.

This will help the words come out right.