Have you ever upset someone and not known why?
You may have used a partial or contaminated message.
When communicating in close relationships, there are four types of expression: observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs. Leaving out one of these components creates confusion and distrust.
Partial messages
People can sense when you’re covering up your feelings, or suppressing your needs. If you leave out one of the four types of expression, you’re not giving them the whole story.
According to Dr. Matthew McKay, We are all naturally turned off when we hear judgments without a reason. We resist anger if it’s not backed up with a story of why. We are naturally suspicious of conclusions without support, and weary of demands that grow from unexpressed assumptions.
When people sense something’s missing, and don’t know what, you’re disconnecting from them.
You know you’re sending a partial message if you answer no to any of these questions:
Am I expressing straight observations / what I know to be fact?
Have I clearly labeled my inferences?
Have I expressed myself without blame or judgment?
Contaminated messages
Contamination happens when we mix or mislabel messages.
For example, curtly saying to an employee: “I see you’re using the old template,” may be misinterpreted as an attack.
Feeling attacked, regardless of what you meant, may cause the employee to instantly not like what you said, and by association, not like you, because of an unexplained feeling they now have.
Your statement “I see you’re using the old template” is actually four distinct messages:
You are using the old template (observation)
I’m not sure if you haven’t been paying attention or don’t know we made this change (thought)
I’m upset that I’m having to tell you this, as it’s something you should know already (feeling)
I would prefer that you use the new template because I need our team to be more efficient with our time (need, plus a request).
Contaminated messages are different from partial messages, in that all four parts (observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs) are there, but only hinted at, so we leave it to the listener to decide if what they heard was really a covert request, judgment, or support.
The human brain is more likely to attribute negative outcomes to the intentions of another person than similar neutral and positive outcomes, something psychologists call “negativity bias in attribution of external agency.”
Don’t give them the opportunity to go negative on you. Here’s how.
Whole messages
Unlike partial or contaminated messages, whole messages include all four types of expression: what you see, think, feel, and need.
The above example of “I see you’re using the old template” could be made into a whole message if you were to instead say: “We've updated our template. Please use it moving forward. Did you know that we have a new template?”
Close relationships, including working relationships, thrive on whole messages. People can’t know the real you unless you share your complete experience.
People seek human connection as a form of reassurance and meaning. At work, this is what gives people a sense of belonging, community, and being part of a team that cares for their well being.
Human recognition, to be seen and understood, is a very real need that doesn’t disappear when someone walks into an office.
Create connection with whole messages.
