Words that alienate
Our words can unite or disconnect us. Here’s an exercise to identify “life-alienating” language.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg explains what when we use language with “the 4 D’s” - Demands, Deserve, Diagnosis, and Denial of Responsibility -- we are less likely to inspire compassion, cooperation, or connection.
Take a moment to identify which of the 4D’s are at work in the statements below, and you’ll then start noticing them in your own conversations:
You need to get this report to the client by Friday morning.
They made me sit through that stupid two-hour meeting.
Whoever made him Vice President was an idiot.
You are driving me crazy with all your questions!
He is incompetent.
Here are answers, including possible rewrites. Note how the revised statements all use the language of feelings and needs rather than judgment, blame, guilt, shame, or coercion.
#1 - "You need to get this report to the client by Friday morning" is a demand, and could be restated as: If you can get this report to the client by Friday, it will help build his trust in our ability to deliver.
#2 - "They made me sit through that stupid two-hour meeting" is a denial of responsibility. All thoughts, feelings, and actions are a choice. Yes, choices have consequences, but no one controls us but us. It could be rewritten as: I sat through that two-hour meeting because I wanted my boss to know I was a team player.
#3 - "Whoever made him Vice President was an idiot" uses deserve language (he doesn’t deserve to be VP) as well as diagnosis (idiot). It could better inspire connection as: I don’t think it was a smart decision to make him Vice President because…
#4 - "You are driving me crazy with all your questions!" is a denial of responsibility. No one is responsible for our emotions but us. True, others' actions may trigger our reactions, but it’s our thoughts and interpretations that create emotions. The speaker could show more integrity by expressing their feelings and needs: I am feeling irritated right now because I don’t think I’m being supported.
#5 - "He is incompetent" is a diagnosis, a form of judgment that can create division between people and teams. A more productive way to say this would be something like: He creates re-work for the team when he doesn’t clarify for himself what he wants us to do.
The ability to recognize and translate the 4D’s has the impact of influencing and motivating people, not by guilt or shame, but inspiration and connection.
