Why you’re not being heard
“You never listen!”
“You need to be more of a team player.”
“Why are you so upset?”
“What do you want now?”
“You’re wrong.”
“How come you didn’t…”
“That’s nothing, wait until you hear what happened to me…”
“This could be good for you if you just…”
Even if you say it nicely, a statement like “I agree with you but…” may be heard as “your ideas are invalid, and you’re wrong. Only I hold the truth.”
Why is there a gaping chasm between what we say and what is heard?
Language is a poor container for meaning. Not only is there often an iceberg of meaning below the words, but all meaning happens on the side of the listener.
Unfortunately, we’ve never been taught how to communicate effectively.
In fact, our role models are so bad that most of what we say actually separates us from other people, rather than connects us.
Our language even separates us from ourselves….
“How could I be so stupid?”
“What the F-bomb was I thinking?”
“You idiot!”
“He makes me so angry.”
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg says that most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and judge, rather than to be aware of the things that connect us to life and each other.
Reality is much more complex than right or wrong. Mean people are not mean all the time. Patient people are not patient all the time. Smart people do dumb things.
Yet, in our workplaces, homes, and society, we always seem to want to know who’s right and who’s wrong. It gives us comfort to think we understand the world and the people in it. That there might be accountability somewhere gives us hope.
From standardized tests, to confessional talk shows, and Judge Judy, through our education system, parenting, and popular culture, this language teaches us to cut ourselves off from what's really going on within ourselves and others, to the point that we forget just how similar and interconnected we are to each other.
When you remember that every single human on this planet shares the exact same human needs and that we are all just trying to get them met – albeit with very different strategies – you will start to have far, far more influence on others than you realize.
All this month, the 2 Minute Tip will share some of the most ineffective influence strategies we learned from our parents, teachers, society, media, and entertainment, such as influencing by guilt, shame, power, fear, or coercion.
Here’s why…
When we operate on teams, in groups, remotely, or across differences, most of us do not have “power over,” but we can use “power with” to meet both our needs, and the needs of those we’re working with.
When people do what we ask because it meets their needs, as well as ours, they just might drop their resentment and resistance.
The next post will start with the worst type of typical, terrible influence strategy: judgment.
