When to apologize

What are the three hardest things to say in the English language?

“I’m sorry.”
“You were right,” and
“Worcestershire Sauce.”

As difficult as apologies are, they are also powerful communication tools that can keep you in dialogue.

Ever been in a conversation like this?

Janet: “Can we talk about what happened in yesterday’s meeting?”

Caleb: “You mean when you were shooting down my ideas?”

Janet: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Caleb: “I’m sick and tired of you taking credit for everyone else's work.”

Janet walks out in a huff.

Janet attempted to discuss an issue that had come between her and Caleb and did a good job opening the door for a conversation.

Some help Caleb was, though. Janet wasn’t much help either at keeping Caleb in dialogue after he made it personal.

Neither remained conscious of feelings and needs (their own, nor the other's) because the conversation was no longer safe. Both were now unconscious and reactionary, consumed by defending their egos.

Janet started this conversation, so she should have been better prepared to step out of the reactionary pattern and make it safe with an apology. However, Caleb should have done this as well and never made it personal.

What is an apology?

An apology is a sincere statement expressing sorrow for your role in contributing to pain or difficulty in others.

After Caleb reacted negatively, Janet could have remained in dialogue with an apology.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that. I'm sorry. [pause].”

Janet could then have watched to see if this show of respect helped restore safety for both of them.

Only after safety has been restored, should Janet give her reasons or an explanation for shooting down Caleb’s ideas. Doing so before he feels safe would not help either remain in dialogue.

Remember, the way to remain in dialogue is to keep information flowing into the shared pool of meaning.

Apologies take courage because to be authentic, you’ll need to give up a bit of your ego. You actually have to recognize your error and want to change. Otherwise, it’s just manipulation.

Use a sincere apology to restore safety, allowing you to re-enter dialogue and focus on mutual objectives.