When they attack you personally

Sometimes a negotiating partner acts as an opponent. Hard-liners may attack you personally. 

How can you respond?

You can be a jujitsu master and turn the attack on you, not into an attack on them, but into an attack on the problem. 

Rearticulate it in terms of interests. 

Let’s say you made a proposal to management to add dental coverage to their benefits program and the head of HR accuses you of “irresponsibly stirring people up with your ridiculous fantasy.”

Calling out the jerk, and giving him a “piece of your mind,” may feel good at the moment, but it won’t get you any closer to what you want. 

You could instead reframe his argument.

“You’re right. People are stirred up about the lack of a dental plan, and I appreciate the fact that you feel strongly about it too. It deserves leadership’s attention.”

Reframing a personal attack as an attack on the problem gives a hard-liner an opportunity to start cooperating.

Sometimes, however, your partner/opponent will continue turning up the pressure and play dirty. There are effective ways to handle this as well, which we’ll discuss tomorrow.  

Adapted from Messages, The Communications Skills Book, by Dr. Matthew McKay.