When someone intentionally offends you

All this week, the Daily Tip has discussed how to confidently communicate when someone is offended. Each post presumed the offender was insensitive or uninformed, but what can we say when the other person intended to upset us?

We all have to deal with jerks at work and in life. Some people use power to get what they want, and often their strategy is designed to provoke a reaction, to get a rise out of you, or to put you off your game.

Or maybe they have hate in their heart.

But even if someone has said something highly offensive, becoming visibly upset will not help you get your needs met in the situation. It may be good for your ego, but underneath our egos are the very real human needs of respect, connection, and being understood.

So what are your options?

You could react impulsively, but that would probably be giving the jerk what they want.

You could choose not to say anything, and while silence is a way to communicate disapproval, that may simply encourage more bad behavior.

A third option is to set a boundary.

You can respond confidently and directly to the offensive comment and let the person know that if they want to interact with you, they’ll have to honor your boundaries.

For example, you can calmly say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t continue this conversation if you’re going to use that language.”

Or “I need you to use a more respectful tone so that I can hear what you’re saying without taking offense.”

Then just be quiet, residing in your own power, and look at them.

To set a boundary effectively, remember not to tell the jerk what they need to do, but what your needs are in order for the conversation to continue.

Your power can be found in remaining grounded, aware of what’s happening as it happens, and in choosing how to respond.

When you’re self-aware enough to realize when your own need for respect isn’t being met, and that you don’t need someone else’s respect to have self-respect, you’re more able to remain calm and respond in a measured, casual tone.

Just remember to breathe.